A Huge Pot Noodle: TFM Radio & Middlesbrough FC (1995)

My first proper job was at TFM Radio in Stockton-On-Tees. 

I was taken on as a trainee copywriter in the Commercial Production department. Unlike nowadays, most local radio stations had people who made all the adverts in-house. 

This was 1994, so it was all pretty much pre-internet. We still edited voices, music and sound effects on big reel-to-reel tapes with razor blades. Computer systems like Sadie were still new and only being used by bigger stations like our head office - Metro Radio (in Gateshead). Just before I started working at TFM they'd decided to centralise most of the recording and editing of commercials at Metro Radio but we still got to do little bits and pieces on the old tape machines.

I don't think I spoke to anybody for the first few weeks. I was cripplingly shy and I tried to keep my head down. I didn't know the first thing about working in an office, writing adverts or directing  voice-over artists, so I watched what other people were doing and tried to pick it up from them. I thought I'd just try to survive long enough to pay off my overdraft.

I expected to get 'found out' as useless every single day. I thought I'd soon be looking for a new job. Most days, I'd write out a resignation letter and keep it in my pocket just so I could say "you can't fire me, I quit!"

The only advice I got from my boss was 'be more confident', 'don't trust sales-people', 'learn from your mistakes', and 'try not to be too much of a c**t'. That was helpful - and I'm not even being sarcastic, it really was helpful advice.

Every now and again we'd get sent on two-day training courses hosted by Sales and Marketing 'gurus'. Lots of these gurus were Americans bragging about how much money they'd made, how fantastic their houses, cars and holidays were - and we were all encouraged to live the same dream. 

These courses were usually held in hotel conference rooms with lots of flip-charts, warm bottled water and motivational buzz-words. We were given slogans to remember like; 'feel the fear and do it anyway,' 'activity breeds results' and 'No does not mean No. No Means Not Right Now'. Some of it sounded dodgy even back then. 

These courses were really an excuse for Sales People and Commercial Producers to get pissed and have massive cooked breakfasts in budget hotels. A group director once came over to our table and asked us if we'd been in the hotel bar until 4am; 'nah', said one of our braver sales executives, 'they chucked us out at half 3."

One of the marketing success stories we heard about was the Pot Noodle. Pot Noodles are a perfect example of a 'Brilliant Idea'. When Pot Noodles launched in the UK they sold by the skip-load, but sales of other snacks didn't fall - Pot Noodles generated completely new sales. We were all advised to look for 'Pot Noodles' - ideas that generated new money rather than taking it away from other things. 

At that time, something called the Teesside Development Corporation (TDC) was spending huge amounts of money on improving the local area. All of a sudden, Stockton had a massive retail park and a giant multiplex cinema. The area had suffered years of industrial decline and high unemployment, so clearly Burger King, Toys R Us, an American-style-Diner and a cinema were just what was needed. They also built things like the Tees Barrage and a whitewater course - but they weren't anywhere near as popular as the new shops. 

The TDC was also spending a huge amount of money advertising their achievements on local radio. They used to run commercials that lasted for the entirety of the ad breaks (2 to 3 minutes in length) and that must have cost a fortune.

We were seeing all this happen during my years at TFM. The biggest local story, however, was the rise of Middlesbrough Football Club. 1995 was a good year for TFM's local team - former England and Manchester United legend Bryan Robson was the new manager and not only were they on course to win promotion to the Premier League, they were also moving to a brand new stadium. The Riverside was being built in partnership with the Teesside Development Corporation. 

It was this link up that gave me a massive Pot Noodle of an idea.  

I knew the TDC had money to spend on marketing - and Middlesbrough FC were running radio adverts for season ticket sales (we'd had a lot of fun getting players in to record those). At that point all of Middlesbrough's games were broadcast live on TFM, so there was a lot of communication between the club and the station.

  

I didn't know much about football, but I did remember teams making records whenever they were going to a Cup Final or winning the league. Wouldn't it be great if we could celebrate a successful promotion and the opening of the new stadium with a single? I even suggested a classic song that the we could get the team to record; Move On Up by Curtis Mayfield seemed to fit - as the team was Moving to a new stadium and going UP to a higher division (I thought this was sooooo clever).

We got prices for using Move On Up and making 10,000 CD singles for Middlesbrough fans to buy - and it was going to cost £25,000. But this was all 'new' money - it wasn't coming out of Commercial Production or advertising or sponsorship budgets, this was Pot Noodle money. 

Added to that, the club could sell the CD singles for £3 or £4 at a a time - so it was a new business opportunity for them, too. The idea was pitched to Middlesbrough FC and the TDC - and it all seemed very promising. 

But then everything changed. At that time, TFM was owned by Metro Radio and anything involving music was supposed to go through Metro Music Production. All of a sudden we were told that we shouldn't have been pitching big musical ideas to advertisers because it wasn't our 'place' to do so: this was well above our pay-grade and we should be grateful that we weren't disciplined for treading on the toes of more important people. Music Production HAD to take the work off us (and the money). 

We got fucked over. It was one of my first tangles with office politics. I never did learn how to deal with that stuff.

Move On Up went out of the window. Instead, Music Production decided that Middlesbrough FC players should re-record the Teesside Development Corporation anthem We are Teesside.

We are Teesside was a jingle that had been written and produced by Metro Radio Music Production for the TDC - so it wouldn't incur licencing costs like Move On Up. And that's what they did. They still made a single - but instead of re-recording a classic song they made a new version of an advert. By doing this, they got to keep more of the money - so I guess they were loads smarter than we were. 

The Pot Noodle was still gigantic (and expensive) but it didn't taste the same. Instead of a classic song, it was a re-arranged radio jingle. 

My local boss said we'd get some commission from Music Production because we came up with the initial idea - but we never did. I approached my regional boss (the 'Creative Director' of the whole radio group) about the situation and he told me to 'prove my worth' by generating more award winning ideas. I was also told that it was 'part of the job to come up with new ideas' so we'd already been paid for it and there'd be nothing extra, not even a thank you. 

Looking back I wish I'd kept my head down, stayed quiet and never bothered to share any ideas. 

In the Summer of 1996, Metro Music Production won an Emap Award for their 'Outstanding Revenue Building Idea' of producing a CD single with Middlesbrough FC and the TDC. We were all invited to a huge ceremony at a posh hotel in Manchester - and the Music Production team got to stand on a big sparkly stage and collect their award. My boss just shrugged her shoulders. 

I quit my job on the Monday morning after that awards ceremony. In 1996 I was still young and daft enough to spit my dummy out and leave a job purely on principle. I didn't intend to carry on working in radio so I wasn't thinking about needing a reference or burning any bridges*. 

I didn't have a mortgage, a car or a family so I quit. 

I wasn't given the usual 'exit interview' because my boss said it wasn't necessary. She knew fine fucking well why I was fucking the fuck off. 

On my very last day at TFM I had to move all the boxes of unsold CD singles into a store cupboard.

 

 

 *Just to spite myself even more, I went on to work for Century Radio, which meant an even longer journey to work and a lot less money.