Choose your own Happy Christmas (2021)

Merry Christmas!

I spent my last Christmas with 'family' over two decades ago.

All I remember about it is stress and worry.

Would anybody show up? 

Who was going to lose their temper? 

Had you been thoughtful enough with your gift buying? 

Had everybody spent the same amount?

Who was taking their gifts back for a refund on Boxing Day? 

Nobody was much of a hugger. Most of my family would have welcomed social distancing in the 1980s and 90s.

When I started working I paid for everybody to go out on Christmas Day. It was expensive but it was worth it.

People tend to behave better if you're in a hotel or a restaurant. And completely surrounded by strangers. 

We'd go to the Scotch Corner Hotel, just south of Darlington.

It was always beautifully decorated, the staff would be wonderful (despite the fact they were having to work when everybody else had the day off) and it felt like a genuinely special occasion.

Some families can fight for 364 days of the year, so it was nice to have a few hours in a parallel universe.

I'd be at work until quite late on Christmas Eve and it was always a pretty miserable business. Nobody wanted to be there, but we also didn't want to waste a precious day of annual leave. We'd hang around the office until about 4pm - or at least until senior management got pissed up or fucked off. 

Making my way back from Stockton or Gateshead always took longer on Christmas Eve - and I had to be back in the office between Boxing Day and New Year's Eve. I never took those days as 'holiday' because I didn't really want to be at home any longer than I had to.

And the last thing I wanted was a stressful Christmas Day. 

So that was always my plan; no arguments about cooking, presents, washing up, money or what we watched on TV - just a nice trip out. 

For a while, it worked. We'd get dressed up and smile and wish complete strangers a Merry Christmas... The Hotel even sent Santa Claus around the tables to entertain younger kids. It was great. 

But I knew it couldn't last. Whenever anything seemed to be going well it had to be stopped.

After a few years of having less stressful Christmas Days, I was told to stop 'wasting' my money. 

I thought we'd been having a nice time, but apparently I'd made my Mam and Step-Dad feel like 'poor relations.' I was accused of 'showing off' when other people 'couldn't afford a big Hotel Christmas'.

So we went back to strained conversations through gritted teeth and long moody silences.

Getting a bit pissed and falling asleep in the afternoon was an easy way out, but it didn't help in the long run.

I always hated any kind of family confrontation - partly because I felt as if I'd already had more than my fair share of that stuff.

For some people, any kind of family occasion is an opportunity to make themselves the most important person in the room - and if they've got to stir up trouble in order to do so, they will.

I'm glad I don't have to put up with that any more. It hurt like hell and it took a few attempts - but I managed to break away from the people who made me unhappy.

I've spent most of my adult life struggling with mental health problems, medication or addiction. Self-care is important and sometimes that means letting people go.

Nowadays my little family has a whole new set of traditions; Chocolate advent calendars, watching The Box of Delights, listening to the Pinky and Perky Christmas Album, throwing sparkly Reindeer food along the garden path... 

We can't afford to have Christmas dinner at a big hotel but we don't need to do that.

It sounds too easy and straightforward to say you can have the type of Christmas you want, but you can choose to leave some people out.

Just because you share the same blood group or DNA doesn't mean your family members have the right to make you miserable.

Having a crappy family doesn't have to be a life sentence.