Long Commutes & Comfort Food (1994-1999)

I spent a small fortune on books, tapes and CDs in the mid-90s.

I had a lot of long bus journeys.

Due to Covid-19 people are starting to realise that it's possible and preferable to spend more time working from home. I wish I'd had the option when I was first going to work - I probably would have been a lot happier and healthier.

I left University in 1994 and I was completely broke. 

I was £400 overdrawn with the Natwest and I owed thousands to the Student Loans Company.

Some of the people I'd been to University with were travelling around the world and taking gap years - but I was terrified because I owed so much money. 

I'd spent most of my third year ill with glandular fever and I probably should have taken some time off - but that would have meant building up more debt. I still had a sore throat and a high temperature when I sat my finals.

One day after the last exam I went 'home'. Home was an empty house in the North East. My folks were living abroad but they'd kept paying the rent on a council house - probably because it was cheaper than putting everything into storage. There were a lot of bills piling up on the doormat.

In a mild state of panic I sold my entire collection of VHS tapes and CDs to a slimy local secondhand dealer - so I had £100 until I could get a job.

I jumped into the first thing I was offered because I thought I wouldn't get anything else. 

I went to a Graduate recruitment fair in Newcastle in June and by July I was a trainee copwriter in Stockton-On-Tees. It was a huge relief. I missed my Graduation Ceremony because I had a job interview on the same day. I couldn't afford the coach fare back to Lancaster, anyway - never mind the daft hat and gown*.

*Much later on, I used my advanced IT skills to mock up some Graduation photos - just so I didn't miss out.

Stockton-On-Tees was a bloody nightmare to get to. There wasn't a direct route from Aycliffe so I had to get a bus to Darlington and then hang around for twenty minutes for the connecting service to Stockton. This wasn't so bad on warm Summer days but we didn't get many of them in Darlo. 

My Walkman was a life saver. I'd sit up all night making compilation tapes for the endless journeys and I was always buying batteries.

 I struggled with the sleep-bus-office-bus-sleep routine. I didn't have a life, I had a bus timetable and office hours. I thought it would get easier but it seemed to be more of a grind as time went on.

Listening to music or reading a book was the only way to make each day a tiny bit different.

I'd normally leave the house before 7am and only just get to work by 9. If I was lucky I'd get home by 7.30pm but it was often much later.

And I'd get home to an empty house - and that became a huge, terrifying ordeal each evening. I'd creep from room to room, switching on lights and looking in every cupboard and wardrobe, checking to see if somebody had broken in while I'd been out at work. 

Every day I'd convince myself that the house had been burgled or there was an intruder waiting to kill me when I got home.

I'd spend at least 4 and a half hours a day sitting on a bus or waiting at different stops. 

Thinking about it now, I wish I'd had Facebook or twitter back then - seeing memes about how much people struggle to get to work or how much they hate their jobs might have made me feel less isolated and useless. Was there something wrong with me because I was struggling so much? I thought I could almost hear my youth, energy and enthusiasm seeping away. It felt like nothing would ever get any better. 

As it was, I used to read three or four books a week on those bus trips. We had a bonus scheme at work and if we billed over £500 we'd get £25 back in Gift Vouchers for the shop of our choice. I always chose Woolworths or WHSmith.

I used to go shopping in my lunch breaks. There was a Woolworths on Stockton High Street and I'd usually buy a video to watch in the evening. 

I started off by replacing all the things I'd sold to that local secondhand dealer. And then buying something new every day became my way of coping. It cheered me up for a bit. But then I'd feel guilty for spending money. I'd sit in McDonald's and look at what I'd bought. I don't know how many Quarter Pounder Meals I got through but comfort eating and comfort spending seemed to go hand in hand.

Work wasn't all that bad - once I was there and I realised I could write half-decent radio adverts - but I was exhausted and lonely. It felt like I was only working to pay off my student debts and I spent everything else trying to keep myself distracted.

I should have been learning to drive - but it was impossible to fit lessons around work and bus travel. 

I could have deferred my Student Loan repayments but that meant more interest and the idea of being in even more debt was one of the things that kept me awake at night. 

I didn't have a social life apart from the occasional work event (things I had to attend on pain of being yelled at) so the only people I ever saw were the people I worked with.

  After a few months I phoned one of my relatives and told them how bad I felt and that life just seemed to be work and sleep and work and sleep... I was told - in no uncertain terms - that I was lucky to have a job and I should pull myself together. 

I never spoke to anybody about how I was feeling for years after that.

I had no long term plans or ambitions and I tried not to think too far ahead because it made me panic. I only wanted to get through each day at work, go home, check each room for burglars, microwave a frozen lasagne and watch videos until I fell asleep on the couch. 

Then I found out that a local takeaway would deliver cans of lager, so I started having pizza two or three times a week as an excuse to get pissed. In front of the telly. 

On my own.

 Later on, I did try to change things - I applied for other jobs in London and Cardiff but I was always too scared to risk a big move like that. 

I didn't like where I was but I was too scared to do anything about it. It took me 6 years to clear my student debts. 

The biggest move I made was from a radio station in Stockton to a radio station in Gateshead - and my commute was even longer, but it was a different bus route.

I was comfort eating, buying, watching, reading, listening and drinking - just to stop myself from feeling completely hopeless. I'd never taken a breath. I'd bounced straight from school to sixth form to university and then into a full time job without thinking about what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. 

I was scared of debt, I was scared of people thinking I was lazy and I was scared of never being able to get another job. 

It wasn't sustainable, not for me. 

 
 I wonder what would have happened if I'd been able to work from home. Even if it was just some of the time. 

Being able to start work without feeling knackered might have made a difference.

 

I might have had some time to think and to take care of myself a bit better.

And I know for a fact I wouldn't have spent as much money on CDs, videos and Quarter Pounders.