Fun Size Magrs

Merry Christmas! I spent my last Christmas with ' family' over two decades ago. All I remember about it is stress and worry. Would anybody show up?  Who was going to lose their temper?  Had you been thoughtful enough with your gift buying?  Had everybody spent the same amount ? Who was taking their gifts back for a refund on Boxing Day?  Nobody was much of a hugger. Most of my family would have welcomed social distancing in the 1980s and 90s. When I started working I paid for everybody to go out on Christmas Day. It was expensive but it was worth it. People tend to behave better if you're in a hotel or a restaurant. And completely surrounded by strangers.  We'd go to the Scotch Corner Hotel, just south of Darlington. It was always beautifully decorated, the staff would be wonderful (despite the fact they were having to work when everybody else had the day off) and it felt like a genuinely special occasion. Some families can fight for 364 days of the year...

My first boss was a c***. A self-confessed c***. We were making adverts for local radio stations and sometimes we'd forget to fax scripts to customers, mess up a phone number or let the wrong commercial go to air on the wrong day. And whenever something like that happened my boss would go to our Sales Director and say:  " Yes, we've f***ed up. It's a total f***ing nightmare. I'm a daft c*** ".   For him, this was completely logical: admit a mistake and call yourself the worst word imaginable - that way you could avoid a bollocking. He'd sit at his desk and nod wisely;  "What more can they do to me? I've called myself a c*** - they can't say anything worse than that. They can put a snotty letter in my personnel file but that's just a posh way of calling me a c***!"   He didn't seem to worry about getting sacked - he just wanted to make sure that nobody else got to call him a c***. To be fair, my boss said everybody was a c*** -...

Once upon a time, there were two boys who grew up in a tiny town in The Middle-of-Nowhere. They lived with their Mother and her Husband in a small house close to a stream. Their Mother was a very poorly woman who spent most of her time asleep. The Doctors would visit with big bottles of tablets, but nobody could find a cure. Their Mother slept and slept - only waking for a few minutes each day. Mother's Husband was a gruff man with a very big beard. Eventually, his beard grew so large and bushy it became impossible for him to smile or speak so he could only communicate by frowning or stamping his feet.   The boys had to be very quiet and were never allowed any friends or noisy fuss in the family home. The older child - Peter - was a very bright boy. Peter loved to read and would often carry two bags of books to and from school. He couldn't possibly read so many books in one single day, but Peter wanted everybody to know just how much he loved his books. His Mother was delighte...

  On her last day, Pixie sat in the sun. Normally, she'd wake me up by scratching at the base of the bed or jumping on my chest...  But on that last day, Pixie sat on the window-sill and looked into the garden. I pushed the window open as far as it would go, and Pixie hopped down onto the grass. She toddled onto the little concrete path and sat down.  She didn't move very far over the course of the day. She'd lie down for a while, then sit up and wash her face, and then lie back down.  Our other cats kept their distance, leaving her in peace, in the sun. We'd first met Pixie when she was cowering under the coat of a shop assistant. She was the last of her litter – the only one not picked out for a home.  I didn’t want a kitten. We’d only recently said goodbye to our elderly, adopted cat and I’d gotten so attached to my furry little shadow I didn’t want to think about ‘ replacing ’ her. Not so soon. I certainly didn’t want to buy a kitten from a bloody pet ...