Cognitive Behavioural F*** Offs

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I've never kept a 'Shitlist'.

But I've known plenty of people who did have 'hate-lists', 'hit-lists' and 'enemy lists'. 
 

I used to teach a kid who kept a list of pupils and teachers and what they'd done to upset her. In the back of her school planner she'd write things like:

Kaila -     Robbed my gel-pens

Mr. A -     Spat on me when he was telling me off

Tasha -     Them shoes

Jordan -     Looked at me funny at dinner time

Mrs P -     Total bitch

In my first job we used to nominate a 'Twat of the Week' and write their name on the office whiteboard on Friday afternoons. We could let off steam by slagging off a gobby sales rep or a rude client. But we'd have to remember to wipe their name - and the words 'Twat of the week' - off the board before we went home for the weekend.

I suppose some people might keep a 'hate list' as a motivational tool - to remind them of the doubters who stood in their way or never gave them a chance. A bloke I used to know said he kept a list of people he'd phone up if he ever won the lottery. He'd want them to know he had pots of money and that he wasn't going to give them any.

I never bothered keeping a 'shitlist' because I always assumed that most things were my fault. 

I used to get quite badly bullied at school - but I didn't dare say anything to my teachers or my folks because whenever they saw bruises on my arms they'd accuse me of 'getting into fights'. I also thought I probably deserved to be bullied because I was the 'fat kid' in class. I once tried to tell my folks that kids kept calling me 'fat boy' and they replied; 'well, they're not wrong, are they?'

Something similar happened with my Dad. He drifted in and out of my life as I was growing up. He disappeared completely for 7 years and I didn't blame him for it. I thought he probably hated me because I didn't want to go and live with him when he moved out. Why would he bother sending Birthday cards to a kid who didn't want to see him?

My Mam abdicated all responsibility for me when I was about 11. She was ill and left me in the care of her Mother. I know she tried to contact my Dad and tried to push me in his direction - but he was quite happy living his life without me.

I tried not to cause a fuss. I tried to keep my head down. And I couldn't hate people for things that were my fault, could I?

Various therapists have described me as a bit of a 'pushover' and described me as behaving like a 'doormat.' 

I've also been told I have 'anger issues' - but not because I get too angry, it's because I 'never get angry enough'. One therapist told me to be more assertive. Being assertive has never worked for me. I don't know how to do it. I stopped going to a therapy group because I couldn't be 'assertive' and tell them how bad they were making me feel by calling me a 'doormat'.

When I'm going through a particularly bad patch and I can't sleep, I lie awake running through all the moments in my life when I wish I'd told people to fuck off. This doesn't always involve big earth-shattering events or childhood trauma - it's just things that seem to surface when I can't sleep. I try not to blame people for being who they are or doing what they did, I only wish I'd expressed my feelings more clearly at the time.

It might have been better for my mental health if I'd told more people to fuck off at the earliest opportunity.

So here we go - a 'fuck off' list:

Getting told off at school for something somebody else did?

FUCK OFF!

Long lost relative suddenly wanting to make contact after years of silence?

FUCK OFF! 

Parents telling you who you can and can't be friends with?

FUCK OFF!

Somebody at work passing your ideas off as their own?

FUCK OFF!

An employer ignoring the advice of their own medical reports?

FUCK OFF!

Childhood bully tries to add you as a 'friend' on Facebook?

FUCK OFF!

Somebody tells you that a 'brilliant' self-help book will help you turn your life around - because it worked for them!!!

FUCK OFF!

 

 

I'm sure I can think of a few more. 

Maybe this is a form of CBT and I'm slowly replacing negative thoughts and feelings with a series of nice big  

FUCK OFFs.

.

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